On this spookiest of holidays, I thought I’d share a few inspiring letters addressed to the Halloween community at large for both didactic and entertainment purposes:

Dear Halloween Door Answerers,
As you might be aware from the grocery stores reminding you since the beginning of September, it’s Halloween. You know why all that candy was on sale last week? Because you’re going to be getting trick or treaters. I hope you bought some of that candy, otherwise you deserve to ostracized or publicly ridiculed. Under no circumstances should you be the house that gives out anything other than candy. No mini bags of potato chips. No apples. NOTHING, but candy. When I was a kid, one house on my block was giving out dimes to trick or treaters every Halloween. First of all, what kind of moron is literally giving money away (see how much better the economy was in the 90s?). Second, I’m going to let you in on a little secret: on Halloween, money has no value. It’s true. For one evening out of the year, bills and coins are worthless, and the only currency that counts is sugar-loaded, chocolatey, delicious candy. And you know what else? I know childhood obesity is a problem, but for one damn night a year that doesn’t exist either. No child cares to hear you preaching from your doorstep trying to give them some organic healthy shit that tastes like cardboard. For one night out of the year, abandon your soapbox and buy a bag of M&Ms for the fat, candy-mongering youth.

Dear Trick or Treaters,
What happened to your fortitude? Your creativity? Your Halloween manners? In my day, when you went trick or treating you promptly greeted the door-opener with an enthusiastic, “Trick or treat!” Now that the roles have been reversed, and I’m on the other side of the door, I have to tell ya, you guys need to get your act together. The past several years when I’ve opened the door, I’ve been more often greeted by some douchebag in a mask wearing a hoodie than by an adorable group of costumed children. What’s even worse is that these trick or treaters just shove their candy bag in my face without uttering the magic words. When the hell did trick or treaters get so self-important? Yeah, it’s the one day a year you get free candy, but you have to jump through a few hoops first! Put the smallest amount of effort into your Halloween costume, and when you ring the door bell and you’re patiently waiting for me to answer with my almighty candy bowl, clear your throat in preparation for the “trick or treat” I’ll be waiting for. Shape up, kids. Your poor trick or treating form is giving the entire holiday a bad reputation.

Dear House On The Corner That Couldn’t Be Bothered To Trim Your Bushes To Make Your Home Look Fractionally More Inviting To Costumed Children,
Screw you. This is the one time of year where you know you’ll be receiving houseguests on your front porch. The weather was beautiful last weekend, why didn’t you go out with your chainsaw and eradicate some of those tree limbs just waiting to poke a kid’s eye out? Why couldn’t you sweep the leaves off of your stoop so an innocent child won’t slip and get paralyzed on the best holiday of the year? Finally, why, when you were picking out a fence for your house, did you choose the most unconventional gate on the market? These are children, and everyday life is not an episode of Fear Factor, so I’m not sure what the dealie is with all these weird latches. If you decided to invest in some custom-made security gate, for one night a year, prop that shit open, or you’re going to wake up to see that fence and your entire creepy, unkempt property completely teepeed and egged. …You’ll deserve it, too.

Dear Homeowners That Pretend Not To Be Home or Actually Aren’t Home on Halloween, 
I can respect an undecorated house with no lights on during Halloween night. They’ve made it clear that either they’re not home, or they’re unfit to receive trick or treaters. I can respect that. What I cannot respect though, is people who I can see in their living room watching Leave it to Beaver with every light in their house turned on, but would ignore you when you knock on their door. I CAN SEE YOU. If you can’t do trick or treaters the decency of shutting your drapes to avoid being seen, then you should at least have the balls to answer the door and explain to them when they come a-knocking why you don’t have any candy and aren’t participating in this holiday. I mean, really. What kind of world are we living in that people are so bold as to blatantly ignore trick or treaters on Halloween night? Look out, all you flagrant Halloween ignorers, I’ll be the one supplying all the kids with eggs and toilet paper this year.

And let’s not forget the guileless, good-hearted homeowners that know in advance they aren’t going to be home Halloween night. They go out and buy a bowl of candy and leave it out on their front porch for all the kids to ravage. What always amazed me was the houses that would thoughtfully leave out of a bowl of candy, but would also have the nerve to put up a sign that said “ONLY TAKE ONE.” …What do you think this is? The way I see it, if you’re not home, you don’t get to enjoy the privileges of candy dictatorship. If you were really concerned about each trick or treater only taking one piece of your damn candy, you shouldn’t have made plans Halloween night so you could police your Three Musketeers at close range. …Yet there’s always that one sweet kid that respects the sign–I was one of them. What an idiot I was. There was a whole candy jackpot at my fingertips, but here I was taking one lousy piece. Did I think they somehow booby trapped the bowl? Did I imagine I’d be prosecuted by some jack o’lantern tribunal and get thrown in Halloween jail? Now that I’m older and wiser, I say if you’re not home, your candy’s up for grabs. End of story.

24 thoughts on “Halloween: A Collection of Open Letters

  1. Hahahaha. I definitely will not be providing that “organic healthy shit that tastes like cardboard” and instead will opt for giving out “M&Ms for the fat, candy-mongering youth” tonight. Definitely made me laugh 😀

    1. So does my boyfriend, but I was still hopeful for trick or treaters. …None came. 😦 We actually hijacked the neighbors daughter as a trick or treater as they were headed out the door.

  2. These letters need to be printed and distributed as mandatory reading. My youngest daughter and I did some trick or treating rounds tonight and someone actually gave her a small box of rice krispies. They obviously didn’t read letter #1. And the douchebag in the mask wearing the hoodie? He and his prick friends stopped by my house too.

    You so rock.

    1. Hahaha. I don’t understand how people don’t know some of this stuff. For most people, this isn’t the first Halloween you’ve lived through! People need to shape up for next year.

  3. When we were kids we used to shout ‘trick or treat, trick or treat, we are witches with smelly feet’. We made it up ourselves and thought we were the shit and that neighbours would actually be scared. What is up with today’s lackluster entitled kids!! 🙂

  4. So when I was a kid I was loaded up with my friends and parents and their parents. We all went to this super fancy neighborhood nearby to get the best candy. At one point we came to one of those houses with the abandoned bowl of candy on the porch and the inevitable “Take one piece” sign. But this one said OR BEWARE under it. My friends and I looked at each other in disbelief. “Yeah right! We’re taking a handful!” So we grabbed and off we went down the driveway to meet our parents…
    Then an ominous sound erupted from the bushes. Out bursts a very large man in black clothes, a hockey mask, and a REAL, RUNNING CHAINSAW chasing after us. Seeing as how we were all between the ages of 4 and 7 this was basically the single most traumatizing thing we had ever experienced. I mean, we ran shrieking down the road. Of course the parents thought it was hilarious until they remembered that we were small children and were crying hysterically. The guy ended up apologizing for his poor judgment in deciding which kids to horrify. He really meant it for the older preteen assholes who are really pushing the age envelope for trick or treating. I never, ever took more than one piece at a house after that, though.

    1. Oh my gosh, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! That guy just might be hero. I can only imagine when you were a kid you probably all but shit all over yourself, but that’s one of the best things I’ve ever heard.

    1. Hahahaha. How original! I overheard someone talking at my gym that said one teenager came to her house and was wearing normal clothes with a note pinned to him that said, “To Women, From God.” When she asked what he was supposed to be he said, “God’s gift to women.” …I thought that was pretty clever, actually.

  5. The neighborhood kids did a trade in at our house. We had all chocolate, and we weren’t home, so they took the chocolate and left all their crappy hard candy in its place. We were cracking up. Never had that happen before!

  6. That was a great post! Found you on Freshly Pressed and thought I would check out your older posts. This was one of my favorites. The one that made me crack up: the homeowners that pretend not to be home. Ha! Good one.

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