Ladies and gents, eat some leftover stuffing as a hair of the dog for your turkey hangover, because the biggest shopping day of the year has arrived. That’s right, it’s Friday Bloody Friday Black Friday. Retail establishments everywhere are cracking the whip on their poor, underpaid employees on their most dreaded work day of the year. These commercial soldiers will wake before dawn, suit up with their name tags that convey some friendly holiday sentiment (they invariable do not feel), and brave the crowds of unsatisfied, greedy, holiday shopping extreme couponers. Let’s have a moment of silence for all those retail associates out there. We appreciate what you’re doing doing for your country.

If you’re lucky enough to be on the other side of the counter as one of those pain in the ass shoppers, let me give you a little advice so your shopping trip will be as productive and fulfilling as it possibly can be:

  • Whatever time you planned on getting to the store of your choice, make it about two hours earlier. For example, if the store in question opens at four in the morning, getting there at three isn’t enough time. You should really plan for about one a.m., maybe two at the latest. Who cares about getting sleep when you can wait outside in a long line in the frigid cold for a 3D TV that will be cheaper two weeks from now? Personally, I recommend striving to be the first idiot person out there. What could be more fun than camping out on the cement for eight hours?! Don’t forget your tent, but leave your dignity at home. You don’t need it on Black Friday!
  • Try to keep in mind that aggravated assault doesn’t exist on this holy day of doorbusters, discounts, and deals. So as you shove your way into the store, be as forceful as humanly possible. If you’ve ever used a cane or crutches, today is the day to whip those bad boys out again. Anything you can use to bludgeon other shoppers will do–transform your purse into a bat, turn your car keys into brass knuckles, or use your scarf to strangle rival shoppers! Don’t be afraid to get creative. For example, death by trampling doesn’t have to be an archaic method of homicide! Another tip: Black Friday is not the time to be an ageist, so tiny tots and little old ladies are all fair game today!
  • The “Finders Keepers, Losers Weepers” philosophy is never truer than on Black Friday. When you see merchandise that you want, even if it’s forty feet away or even if you simply see a picture of it in a store’s ad, it belongs to you. If someone else happens to get to it before you, not only are you entitled to berate them with profanity, but it’s encouraged! If a helpful store associate informs you that product is sold out, insult them and threaten to kill their family! If those methods aren’t successful, try shoving your adversary into shelves or making an endcap fall on them. All’s fair in love and holiday shopping–especially on the day after Thanksgiving.

As long as you keep these pointers in mind, your Black Friday excursion will be a resounding success! Nothing says it’s the holiday says quite like violence, unnecessary confrontation, general insanity… and Christmas music.

May the odds be ever in your favor this Black Friday. Happy Shopping!

14 thoughts on “Black Friday Battle Royale

  1. You think it was terrible on Black Friday? Let me just tell how horrible it was for Cyber Monday. I mean the long lines for checkout, the heavy typing, the distractions of Facebook, or reading blogs. I even had to lift my credit card and enter the numbers. It was ridiculous! Dang you Cyber Monday!

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