When the chilly spring temperatures finally leave the forecast, and we can ditch our boots for peep toed pumps and flip flops, many of us ladies find ourselves in the predicament of determining what to do about our toenails. Sometimes, we decide we’ve earned the right to not avoid contortionism and go to the salon for a pedicure to avoid the knee-in-your-faceness of painting our own toenails. Unfortunately, the pedicure is a time of insecurity, tickleishness, and self-doubt. I generally find your innermost thoughts during a pedicure follow this paranoid chronology…

“Hi, I want a pedicure…”

I can only imagine what they’re thinking already. “Look at this girl! Too good to paint her own disgusting toes so she’ll make us do it.” It never looks as good when I do it, and I don’t have a foot bath at home… And okay, the massage is kind of amazing. I hope my legs aren’t visibly stubbly. When’s the last time I shaved…

The Old Nail Polish Removal: Why didn’t I do this at home before I left? I have nail polish remover… They must think I’m so lazy. Oh my gosh, my toenails are so ugly. They have to have seen worse, right? I can’t have the ugliest feet they’ve ever seen… Do you think they keep track? I would…

The Filing and Clipping: When did my toenails get so long… This is so embarrassing. I bet he’s going to have my big toe burned in his memory forever because of the freckle on it. Why does my big toe have to have a definable beauty mark?! Think of it this way, if someone kills you in the parking lot, and all that’s left is your toe, this guy will be able to identify you. There’s always a silver lining…

Oh my gosh, where is pulling all this skin and gunk from? I wash between my toes like everyone else… Is that a weird expression? Why does he have that look on his face? Is my toe situation so bad he’s never seen anything like it? …Stop being ridiculous, I’m sure he’s seen people with bunions and corns before. You have the beautiful, delicate feet of a woman that’s never suffered in heels unnecessarily. Stop being paranoid.

Anyone that actually pays money for these toe dividers should feel like an asshole.Image source: Six Sisters' Stuff
Anyone that actually pays money for these toe dividers should feel silly.
Image source: Six Sisters’ Stuff

The Pumice: Why is he touching my heel and the side of my foot like that… Is my skin so hard it’s beyond the power of the pumice? Oh, here we go… Um, ouch, that’s still my skin. Does he really need to be rubbing this hard? …What if my dead skin breaks the pumice? Would that be unprecedented in nail salon history? Oh no. Not there… That tickles! DON’T SMILE. Don’t give him the satisfaction. Keep a straight face. It’s almost over. Hold it together. Thank goodness—it’s over. Oh no, he still has to do the other foot…

The Massage: Alright, here it is, the moment we’ve all been waiting for… Oh my goodness, nothing should feel this good. I just want him to move into my house and rub lotion into my legs all day long… Am I making a face? Crap. Keep staring at your phone, don’t look at him, and definitely don’t close your eyes, that’d be totally creepy. He’s getting right in the arch now… How is he doing that with his hands?!

The Actual Nail Polish Application: I hate these disposable sandals. I feel like I’m starring in a low-budget high school version of Memoirs of a Geisha. The toe separator, really? Is that really helpful for him–unnaturally expanding my toes in this foam torture device? He makes it look so easy. How does he manage not to get too much nail polish on the brush? It’s so even! He didn’t even lazily glob nail polish on my tiny pink toenail… This man is an artiste.

I should enjoy these last few moments; pretty soon I’m going to have to do that old lady waddle with these sandals on…

21 thoughts on “The Chronology of Your Innermost Thoughts during a Pedicure

  1. my thoughts exactly so I stay home and hide my feet….then when I visit my family I get my gran kids to do them in lots of lovely different colors…..unfortunately, that’s only once a year. think I blogged something about my nasty toe nails….

    1. I mean, I’m sure there are people with toenail fungus and stuff way worse than mine, but maybe I’m wrong. I think maybe if the nail technicians were barefoot when they did the pedicures I’d feel better, because then I could judge their feet, too.

    1. I’m one of those people that gets really picky and superior about seeing people out and about wearing sandals with their bare toenails, so I figure, as long as I have some polish on ’em, my toes appear marginally less disgusting.

  2. This is exactly what goes through my head not only for pedicures but any time someone is touching my feet! Hence the weird fear of my feet and people looking at/touching them. I’m getting uncomfortable just thinking about it!

    1. I don’t mind a good ol’ fashioned foot massage, but when people start examining them, I’m not into it. “What’s that..?” “WHAT’S WHAT?!”

      1. I KNOW! Even though I know that’s their line of work, I feel so incredibly guilty for subjecting them to my feet, even though I’m sure they’ve seen worse.

  3. I’m ticklish. I start laughing even at the thought of being tickled. And I have a jerk reaction to people tickling me… All I can see is me kicking some poor person right in the face. I’d feel bad, maybe get arrested, have to pay extra… no. I’ll hide my cavewoman feet.

    And I’m sure they don’t judge too harshly. Imagine all the foot fungus they must see! Eww.

    1. Tickling always starts out fun (for about five seconds), but then for me, it all just turns into a murderous rage, and I actually get pissed. I said stop, fucker.

      I don’t have any fungus, so… I mean, I’d like to think my feet are the highlight of their day? I try go early in the morning before they’ve seen too many feet so I can set a precedent for their work day of seeing average feet.

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