I get new followers every day, and I’m not saying that to make you jealous or convince you that I’m eating lunch at the WordPress cool kids table. Don’t worry, I’m still sitting in the bathroom stall eating a Lunchable like it’s fourth grade. …Remember those pizza ones that re-created that cold, leftover pizza taste? Do you recall stacking the turkey/ham and cheese cracker sandwiches three inches high, shoving the whole thing in your mouth, and almost choking to death while your besties drank their Capri Suns? Lunchables are near to my heart–right next to tangents.

Source
Source

Anyway, try as I may, it’s impossible for me to regularly visit everyone’s blog who follows me. Maybe if I gave up work, going to bathroom, eating, being a productive member of society, having fun, or just generally leaving my house, I could pull it off. Taking time to write this blog isn’t involved with my job in any way, so even though I’m on a computer at work all day, 90% of the time I’m actually busy working. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Despite my limitations, I don’t want to be one of those bloggers–those holier than thou bloggers who are too good to venture outside of their close network of loyal, legacy followers. I don’t want to become one of those bloggers who only responds to comments and doesn’t read anyone else’s work. That’s just not me! I want to be a blogger of the people! …But fellow bloggers, you need to work with me, here.

♦♦♦

I think I speak for every blogger in the world when I say, if you really want my undivided attention, you need to comment on a post. I’m not saying that to generate hundreds of comments, I’m saying it because I want you to make the first move. I’m shy, okay? Enough of this coy visiting (oh yes, I see you in my stats) or liking one or two of my posts and expecting me to ask you out to dinner. Newsflash: After you “like” one of my posts, I am not listening to Boyz II Men and waiting for an appropriate two hours to pass so I can respond without you thinking I’m too interested in you/your blog. If you’re really serious about me, drop me a line. I’m so nice.

Don’t be a Blog Catfish

If your Gravatar looks anything like this,

Screen Shot 2013-08-26 at 5.30.24 AM

I’m going to assume you’re catfishing me. I refuse to get serious about you or your blog, because I’m worried I’m going to find out it’s all been a big, blogging lie. If I discovered the author of a touching blog about kitten whiskers was actually a dog person in real life, my heart would be broken. I’m not as strong as Manti Te’o.

No matter who you are or what your blog is about, you can do so much better than a tessellation that looks like an ink blot test on an acid trip. …Let’s get real, this wouldn’t even fly on OKCupid (and a lot of stuff flies on OKCupid).

What’s in a Name? Reasons to Judge You.

I know coming up with an awesome blog title and username is tough, but if your site sounds anything like the following, you don’t need to worry about rolling out the red carpet for me:

killinguinursleep

everythoughtiveeverhad2

IndianagirlinIllinois

livelaughlove085195810952052252525545534525442

Source
Source

Your username and blog title is the first thing people see, so when you pick something vague, I’m going to assume your blog has no direction, which might actually be worse than One Direction. What a poorly selected name often tells me instead is that you should probably be behind bars, you’re boring, you’re from Indiana, or you’re not original. …Of course, it goes without saying, being from Indiana is the worst of these.

If you’re from Indiana, I probably won’t read your blog even if you come up with a good title.

Speak My Language, Please

I think being able to speak different languages is awesome. I wish I had tried a little harder to parlez-vous Français in school, but I didn’t, so I’m limited to English. Should I hop over to your blog and see this,

Ijgeaiogj tipowpvhs gkei ki eqlavu ge kigeajpgea pfkxzyq gkieakgoa bkeoagkea eaogkoea kgoea. Agkoeakgoea gvekaogkea vveakok vekoiakiw mheakgoea fgeka ge get thmei mkwiajg gjkjea! Gkeaiji jgieajgie geagea. Mhbnwiqa, “Ggeiagiea hgoea gkib wpll! Gjeuijg yopwqald, laoe laolcmci gkeiakf akif.” Jgeajg heah-awb gmeaigea ogeaoppokcmm fgjwai.

Geka Weoigez

I will not be commenting or following. It’s not because I think the post you wrote was bad, it’s because I have no idea what it even said. I’m sure your blog gives Faulkner a run for his money, but unfortunately, I’m not bilingual.

Put in Some Common Sense Design Effort

I’m no CSS/HTML coding master. Everything I’ve accomplished in terms of design on my blog came from Google, Microsoft Paint, Picnik, birthday wishes, unbridled hope, and some WordPress upgrades. That said, if I visit your page and it looks bad—I mean white text on a light gray background bad—I’m not going to go out of my way to come back regularly. And by “not go out of my way,” I mean I’m going to “x” out of your page, run away from my laptop, and rinse my eyes in the sink with some warm water.

Do Not Link to Yourself

I know there are bloggers who are willing to pawn off their first born child to a troll to get more traffic, but if through any method of contact with me, you actually go as far as to link to something you wrote, it will piss me off. “But Katie! That’s not fair! That’s how writers share their work in this community! It’s a great way for fellow bloggers to get their name out there! …Hold me!” Nope.

When you put a link to your own blog in a comment, I invariably read, “I love your blog! It’s hilarious! …By the way, I write a blog that I actually think is better, and that’s really the only reason I’m commenting anyway, so please visit me at http://www.shamelessselfpromotion.com!”

Let your comments on other blogs and your actual blog speak for itself–don’t shove your links down everyone’s throat. The readers will come eventually, and when they do, you’ll want a shred of your dignity left. …Unless you blog about kitten whiskers or One Direction.

151 thoughts on “Reasons Why I Have Never and Will Never Read Your Blog

  1. Ha ha! Good one. But sometimes when i read a post and it reminds me of something I wrote too then I tend to leave a line. Its no so much shameless self promotion (ok, it is a little) but its more about getting your opinion about it. And btw, as a new blogger, I am so jealous of all your overflowing daily dose of followers. I hardly get any..:(

    1. It takes time! The followers will come, I promise. In the beginning only my friends, Facebook friends, and family members read this thing.

      I think there’s a tasteful way to ask someone to read your writing. I don’t think you should just leave a generic comment on someone’s blog and then sign it with your name and a link. Not cool.

  2. I walk on this comment box as I would on thin ice. Since I’ve never actually walked on thin ice, but skated on it, then I will breeze through this. That’s what I do when I’m scared and frightened shitless a blogger will forever lock me out. Wait. Checklist:
    1. Avatar with a real face: CHECK!
    2. Normal name: CHECK!
    3. Cool blog name: CHECK! (I hope)
    4. No weird language (so glad I didn’t post that french smut I’ve been dying to write): CHECK!
    5. Leaving a comment: CHECK!

    Phew! I think I haven’t broken any blogging sins (unless you consider some FB stuff that I shouldn’t have written, then all is good)!

  3. “livelaughlove085195810952052252525545534525442” I definitely laughed out loud reading this while in the hotel lobby area. I got quite a few strange looks since I’m sitting alone now laughing to myself. You are so hilarious!

  4. I was told that those foreign-language ones mean my blog is being spammed. I’m not sure why or by whom, but I’ve suddenly gotten a whole bunch of new followers who speak Thai, Vietnamese, Russian, and Indonesian.

    Yours sound much more interesting. Could you translate the French smut and forward it?

  5. Oh Katie. Dear Katie … if there was ever fly on the wall watching me as I try-try-try to be a good fellow blogger and visit follower’s blogs, etc. … I’d be in deep ish. All the things you named, plus 20 more just make me go NOPE. And I’m gone. I try! I try HARD but I’m so often disappointed in what I see … and I’m not being mean … but so many immediate things turn me off. For real, not having an ABOUT page, even if there is other content, NOPE. I should stop. I could go on but I’ll sound way snatchier than I am 🙂

  6. Long time human, first time visitor. I can so relate to the Capri Suns. They were rather addicting to me. My problem was I never quite mastered the whole straw puncturing skill like everyone else seemed to. I had a pair of those 1st grade scissor things which would barely cut paper and clipped off the corner of the pack and poured it into a thermos. Would have been smarter to have poured it into the thermos before leaving the house though.

    1. At least you were that resourceful. I would always puncture my straw through the back of the pouch and spill the precious elixir everywhere. But I loved doing that thing where you’ve finished the drink, but you puff it up to make people think it’s full. That gave me so much joy for some reason.

  7. There are many things I could comment here about that post that I agree with. Yes I get spam/other languages/non picture avatars and agree with all of the above (although I do shamelessly plug elsewhere, that’s only to annoy people who already follow me).

    But no, I’m going with the Lunchables. I thought they were amazing, so processed. I couldn’t understand why I was the only one in class who had them. Those and cheese dippers (the bread sticks and the soft spreadable cheese) were my food staples. I salute you.

    Oh, also, why do you hate Indiana so much? Apologies if I’m being an idiot but I’m an Irish bird from Dublin so if there’s an obvious reason I don’t know it and I’m curious*.

    *nosey as hell.

    1. YES! I felt so bad for the non-Lunchables kids. Like did their parents not love them?

      Those cheese dippers were out of this world. Why don’t they make an adult version of those? OR those red and blue drinks that you had to bend the cap off? …Do you have any idea what I’m talking about given that vague description?

      Indiana really warrants a post all its own, but when you live in Illinois, people from Indiana just try to leach off of Illinois/Chicago. They just have no pride in their own state, and to be honest, they have no reason to have any pride because there are lot of men with ponytails and people with missing teeth in Indiana. It’s just the armpit of the midwest.

      1. I do not know what the red and blue drinks are but they sound like something I would approve of. A lack of lunchables is definitely a sign of negligent parents.

        I look forward to reading your post about Indiana. That is my official request.

  8. is india in the “no i just won’t read ur blog” list?
    ur pretty amazing. i actually clicked on the shameless promotion link waiting to find a whole website ranting over why self promotion is so not cool.

  9. I feel the same way. I get comments and followers but sometimes I don’t get to their blog. I have to add their blog to my favorite’s list on my browser in order for me to remember to visit.

  10. I am new to blogging and have been slightly bored. This, however, was effing hilarious– I’m glad they (when I say “they” I mean some guy whom I don’t know and since I’m new to this I’m not even sure how I saw his post) did an interview on you about your blog name. Thank you for being fun.

    P.S. I’ve been to Indiana. I feel your pain.

  11. HAHAHHAAHA.
    Even though I have way less followers on my blog than Sass and Balderdash but even then I do not get time to read every follower’s blog. So, it’s completely understandable that it gets even more tough for you.

    I love this post! Maybe when my blog is famous I’ll think almost this way too.

  12. You had me at “sasshole”…. and you reeled me in with this post. Fan-freakin’-tastic!
    I love the way you write and your “I’m awesome and I know it” attitude. Keep it comin’, sasshole, keep it comin’!!

    Lastly… why wasn’t Jesus born in Indiana? Because they couldn’t find 3 wise men or a virgin!

    1. LISA. I stopped my work to read this comment, and DIED at the Indiana joke. You just made my day.

      I’m glad you liked the post. I’ve been having a rough few days because I learned (through HuffPost comments) that people apparently love their toe rings, and apparently I’m deeply insecure about my feet? So it’s nice to hear something positive!

      1. Dear Katie,

        Toe rings at not only ugly, hideous and disgusting, but more of a glorified paper clip molded into circle to wrap around your toe. Why….?!

        Feet are gross, feet are disgusting, so why try to ‘jazz’ them up by dressing them in molded paper clips? I too am a hater of the toe ring… Haters gonna hate, and I’m going to keep on hatin’ on the toe ring

        And don’t even get me started on anklets… they only draw attention to that one long stray hair that you always miss when you shave your legs.

        Glad I brightened your day, my fellow sasshole! I look forward to reading more of your rants.

        As for the haters on HuffPost, I hope they cut themselves next time they are shaving their big hairy toe (which is likely shorter than their second toe, which is equally as hairy)

        Keep em coming 🙂

        Lisa

  13. New to blogging and still ambivalent about the medium. Not giving up, however, and have spent much of today looking for blogs to follow – a dispiriting exercise. Glad I persisted. I like yours. Reading this has been very helpful. I’m blaming the two years I lived in Indiana for any past blogging misdemeanours. Cheers.

  14. Well, I know what you are saying, but you have to read my blog! I know you do! I’m loyal, and at least I’m following you and commenting here! You should be honored that I devote part of my time to here! I’m not going to stop thinking that you read my blog! You do…..right?

  15. OH GOD! I was totally hoping that we would be instant besties and then this post confirmed my sad, sad knowledge that I chose poorly when coming up with a blog name.
    But it’s ok. I’m still going to win you over. Give me time.

  16. I was gonna comment, but now I’m, like, totally confused and intimidated, and I’d LOL, but I don’t know if you speak that language, and I don’t wanna piss you off, even though I don’t know you, and with all the rules, I’m not even sure I wanna know you, but the post was kinda funny, and it resonates with me, like a plate full of new-fallen jello resonates with the floor, and…
    Aw, screw it…

Don't you sass me! ...Actually, please do.

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