The Best Halloween Candy to Give to Your Worst Enemy

As a chubby young girl with a sweet tooth, Halloween easily secured its spot as my favorite holiday. Despite my undying devotion to chocolate and candy, I’ve always been very particular, and in my youth, a significant amount of time was spent sorting the candy I earned trick-or-treating into two piles: “SAVOR RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!” and “give to someone I don’t like who will jump at the chance to devour my unwanted scraps of disgusting candy.”

Now that I’m the candy donor instead of the candy receiver, I appreciate the importance of filling my Halloween candy bowl with the good stuff. The following candies are those that I would give out to only the most unenthusiastic of trick-or-treaters (or someone from Indiana):

Seven cavities in every pack!Source
Seven cavities in every pack!
Source

Milk Duds: If you don’t value your teeth (I’m looking at you Gingivitis Notooth), you probably love Milk Duds. Biting into a Milk Dud is a gamble, because you’re never entirely sure if you’re going to successfully bite through the piece of candy, or if it’s going to rip your tooth clean out from the root. Who can truly savor a candy that puts him or her at risk for requiring dentures? Dud, indeed.

Whoppers: The word “whopper” doesn’t exactly have positive connotations, just think of Burger King or a word to describe a humongous lie. Malted milk in a glass at an old-timey ice cream parlor can be tasty (which is mind-boggling in and of itself because malted milk is technically a gruel), but when you put it in ball form and coat it in chocolate, something goes horribly awry. The best way to describe the flavor of these is this: chocolatey mediocrity. They also look like Smurf droppings.

PayDay: Leave it to Hershey’s to take your hard-earned cash and turn it into something peanut-covered and disgusting. As a society, are we so enamored of caramel that we can put anything around it, wrap it up, and people will devour it? Putting peanuts and caramel together is like mixing going to the circus with visiting your beloved grandma and plucking one of those little caramel cubes out of her pocket—it’s completely unnatural.

Twizzlers: Rumor has it the man responsible for creating fun size Twizzlers is currently seeking asylum with Edward Snowden. Has anyone ever truly wanted licorice? Just look at that word for a second—it spells lick o’ rice, and if you take out the “icor,” you’re left with lice. As if you needed anymore proof, Twizzlers is approved by PETA as a vegan-appropriate confection. Horrible!

York Peppermint Pattie: The original name for the New York Peppermint Patty, but the state of New York threatened to a lawsuit, because The Big Apple would rather be affiliated with muggings and nonexistent personal space on public transportation than this vile peppermint “treat.” Dark chocolate makes this world a better place, but that doesn’t make up for York Peppermint Patties’ likeness to a urinal cake.

Butterfingers: This might be controversial because Butterfingers are a mainstream candy, but they look and taste like chocolate covered peanut butter turds. Candy should not be flaky and porous. The only finger anyone should have to lay on Butterfingers is the middle one. Sorry Bart Simpson, but much like your choice of “Ay Caramba!” as a catch phrase or your use of a skateboard as your main method of transportation, we’re not in agreement on this one.

Almond Joy: Almonds aren’t detestable, but I think I speak for most people when I say I certainly would never stick them next to the word “joy.” Almonds are a semi-controversial nut. All nuts are controversial, because people either love ‘em or hate ‘em, but almonds aren’t as divisive as say, Brazil nuts or walnuts; by the same token, almonds will never be as beloved as peanuts. Where Almond Joy goes horribly wrong is with the introduction of the most tropically controversial nut of all: the coconut. Almonds and coconuts in a candy bar? That sounds like the kind of idea that should have died the moment it was conceived.

Mounds.Source
Mounds.
Source

Mounds: You know you couldn’t come up with a catchy name for your candy (like Kit Kat, for instance) when you settle on “mounds.” Mounds is the ugly cousin of Almond Joy—all coconuts and dark chocolate, but no almond. It’s hard to decide if almond improves or worsens this coconut hot mess, but let’s just suffice it to say these are both gross and coconuts have no place in your Halloween candy bowl.

Sixlets: You know how Mark Zuckerburg had a falling out with the Winklevoss twins over the creation of Facebook? I think the same thing must have happened with M&Ms, and Sixlets is the lesser brainchild of the Winklevoss twins equivalent in this bitter candy rivalry. The problem with Sixlets is how round and small they are, and they have a hint of maltiness, which as we’ve learned, should not be made into candy.

Note: This is not a full list–here’s looking at you Good & Plenty, Bit-o-Honey, Now & Later, and Mary Jane (those orange and black wrapped candies, not marijuana or buckled shoes).

What Halloween candy would you coat in ricin and give to your worst enemy? Don’t you dare say 100 Grand.

43 thoughts on “The Best Halloween Candy to Give to Your Worst Enemy

  1. I’m with you on the Whoppers but we diverge on the Yorks. But as Voltaire said, “I do not agree with what you have to say, but I’ll defend to the death my right to steal your stash.”
    Best thing I’ve seen this Halloween: a litter box (clean) and litter scoop (also clean) filled with rolled outs and 100 Grand bars. Grossly genius!

  2. As a New Zealander who never had Halloween and the best lollies (what we call Candy) and Chocolate in the world I was always fascinated by Americas confections selections.
    I and probably any kiwi was desperate to get our hands on American goods. We got Twinkies for a couple of years in the 80s but they were removed for having so much artificial things in them. Well now I live in the UK I have been privy to a shop called The American Candy Store. An over priced store in most major cities but cheaper if you buy them on line. I have to say Twizzlers and Red Vines were THEE biggest disappointed of my life. I was gutted. Twizzlers taste like sweet wax and Red Vines over chewed bubble gum with no flavour left in it. I LOVE Tootsie Rolls though and every non American kid wanted a Babe Ruth thanks to Chunk in the Goonies lol which were a joy and delight. However….Herseys…..what is their problem? Why does all their stuff taste like oil and butter? Broke my heart. My Halloween bowls are filled with wrapped body parts, fun sized Bountys and Mars, Twiz etc…it is only my 4th year doing Halloween since I became a Mum and I have to tell you, New Zealand doesn’t know what it’s missing. I know SOME kids do it at home now but my house is decked out and I honestly thing THIS is the true meaning of having kids. When parents from other countries can live through their children and celebrate these occasions as well. And rest assured my husband and I will get the left overs because for some reason I accidentally on purpose buy way too much lol I always have stuff left over by Christmas lol thanks for this Poppet, I know now not to try Milk Duds lol Stay Awesome

    1. I feel horrible that you made the mistake of trying to Twizzlers–they’re seriously terrible! I’m a huge fan of Tootsie Rolls, too. Some people complain about those getting stuck in their teeth, too, but I think they’re worth it. I can honestly say that I’ve actually never had a Babe Ruth, even after seeing the Goonies. Generally, if it involves peanuts and chocolate, I’m not interested.

  3. I freaking hated the Whoppers. Gross. I also broke up my candies into the fruit groups and the chocolate groups because fruit and chocolate don’t mix. And I almost cracked a smile when you were talking about licorice. Take out the icor and you get lice. Indeed.

  4. Yesterday, I watched a coworker dig around in a bowl of candy until she found an Almond Joy. I was like, oh, sorry, maybe you didn’t notice the Twix right there. When I realized she actually wanted the Almond Joy, I mourned for our formerly collegial relationship.

  5. Ooh, I hate Butterfingers. Which is funny because I always think I’ll like them and try them again and halfway through I think, God, this sucks! How can that be when it’s covered in chocolate?

    1. I do that, too! I can never remember how I feel about them. What I can’t figure out is what that compound is inside the chocolate… How is that peanut butter?

  6. I like Whoppers, and heartily agree on Twizzlers. I don’t really like licorice anyway (or chewy, sugary, fruity candy). I mostly like chocolate, so Butterfingers are good with me, but they are so hard to eat and get stuck in your teeth, so I tend to avoid them even though I think they’re delicious.

    1. Whoppers are so polarizing. I just can’t ever imagine feeling like my chocolate craving was satisfied after eating some Whoppers. I like my sweets to have chocolate in them, too–maybe that’s why I take issue with Twizzlers.

    1. Kit Kats, 100 Grand, Three Musketeers, Smartees, M&Ms, Reece’s Pieces (sometimes), Tootsie Rolls, Snickers (sometimes), and Twix are okay, Milky Ways are okay, too.

  7. Sixlets hold a nostalgic place in my heart, they could only be improved by darkening the chocolate, the tubal delivery system is genius and the thin shell is superior to that of an m&m in providing needed climate control as well as a delicate, gum friendly crunch. Smarties make me shudder from head to toe, just thinking about them is nails on a chalkboard- which, maybe not so coincidently, they taste like?… mmmm.. this cold dusty chalkboard is divine, try some! And what about the Babe? Baby Ruth will slice your gums to shreds whilst pulling your (admittedly rotten and begging for extraction) sweet tooth out (forgive me for getting Caried away) while simultaneously delivering Hepatitis-BR to your blood stream, which if left untreated (through diet and exercise) could lead to chronic americanitis.

    1. HA! You make a good case for the Sixlets; I’ll give you that. The tube is pretty awesome–portion control and all that. I love the chalkiness of the Smartees. It’s probably pure sugar and maybe a little cocaine, but I’m okay with that.

      I don’t see many Babe Ruths around, and I honestly can’t say I’ve ever had one. If they have actual peanuts in them, I agree they’re horrible.

  8. Yup, you know your stuff Katie! I’ve never had most of these, being American sweets, but I once lost a tooth to the Irish equivalent of those hard toffies…it is a very real danger!

    I’ll bet the kids loved you this year 🙂

    Rohan.

    1. Forgive my ethnocentrism, but I had no idea these were unique to America! You guys are lucky to be missing out on these, but it sucks you’re losing out on the good ones, too. I’m not a toffee fan.

      I try my best to think of the kids on Halloween!

  9. More hilarity from the sassmaster, ha ha ha! Peppermint patties taste like hardened toothpaste coated in super cheap chocolate to me, but everyone else in my family loves them. They are the only candy I can have in my house when I’m dieting. 😉

  10. Hey! PayDays and Butterfingers are awesome! I don’t get to indulge in candy bars anymore but I miss the payday bar, salty and sweet. WIN!

    A boyfriend I had decades ago used to call me Mounds cuz of my boobs and I called him Almond Joy…cuz sometimes you feel like a nut.

  11. I’m sorry, but I have to say 100 Grands are my kryptonite. I just can’t have one without having to wash it down with a gallon of cider and Almond Joys. What I’m trying to say is, to me, 100 Grands=Diseased Chinchilla with a spike through its tail and several piercing through his nose and ears.

Don't you sass me! ...Actually, please do.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s