I’ve been running this blog for almost a year and a half now, and in that time I’ve encountered all kinds of feedback in the form of comments, emails, tweets, and Reddit posts. I may not have reached a level of blogging success that results in Louis Stevens Shia LeBouef plagiarizing my work and skywriting an apology, but I like to think I’m well on my way. Through observing my own comment trends, I’ve put together a brief dossier on all the people that regularly leave feedback on Internet articles and blogs. Read on to see if anybody sounds familiar to you…

The Person Who Didn’t Finish Reading the Entire Post: This person may have gotten away with their innocent deception had they stuck to generic remarks like, “Great post!” or “Too funny!” but they took it a step too far and paraded their ignorance in assuming your post titled, “A Love Letter to Coleslaw” was an actual love letter. In reality, it was a scathing diatribe that had some choice words for raw cabbage.

Screen Shot 2014-01-14 at 5.29.05 AMThe Person Who Thought You Were Writing Specifically About Them: Unbeknownst to you, this commenter believes he or she is the center of your universe. They’ll let their opinions be known in a defensive comment they wrote during the ten minute bathroom break of a “How to Take Everything Very Personally” seminar.

The Person Whose Superior Education Compels Them to Correct Your Remarks: This learned individual will feel obligated to mention which Ivy League school they received their doctorate in Ambiguous Studies from. The context or purpose of the information you provided in your article is irrelevant— if they can find fault in something you wrote, they’ll do their intellectual due diligence in informing you of it in the most pompous manner possible.

The Person Who Loves You More Than Your Mom: This person’s adoring compliments and overwhelming praise will make you feel like you cured cancer, ran a marathon, and made sweet love to the Snuggle bear all in one afternoon. This breed of commenter has an innate ability to inflate your ego and warm your heart.

That Popular Blogger You Secretly Stalk Who Graced Your Blog With Their Presence: OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!! ____________ commented on your post! It was probably short and sweet, and it may never happen again, but for two minutes, you were on top of the world.

The Person Who Missed the Joke: Don’t be too hard on this person— being born without a funny bone is worse than being born with a tail. Maybe your satire was so convincing you confused them, or perhaps what you wrote wasn’t as obviously funny as you thought. Either way, one thing’s for sure: this person sucks big time.

The Person Who Changed the Tone:  When this commenter comes around, he or she is usually one of the first people to leave feedback. This individual likes to write something really polarizing, inflammatory, or accusatory that has the damaging potential to completely change another reader’s perception about what you wrote.

The Person Whose Life Experiences Are More Relevant Than Yours: This person has led a life as wisdom-inducing as Siddhartha’s, and because of that they’re actually qualified to explain to you how and why your own impressions are misguided. Bask in the authority of their omniscience!

Screen Shot 2014-01-14 at 5.08.36 AMThe Person Who You’d Call “NORM!” If Your Blog Was Cheers: This person is a regular. You look forward to comments from them because you know you can trust them to be honest and kind; they know you and your voice, and they’re welcome at your bar (or blog) any day.

The Person Who Assumed An Omission Meant Something More Than It Did: This reader has the expectation that every blog post should cover every aspect of everything equally. To leave anything out can only mean one thing: the author is making an intentionally incendiary statement for which they must be held accountable!

The Person Whose Precise Grammar Makes Their Opinions Inherently Superior*: This individual carries a pocket dictionary and a travel edition of the Chicago Manual of Style (who doesn’t?), and they use their superior grammar abilities to suggest the ideas of others are automatically inferior if the author made a typo or forgot a comma. There’s a special name for this kind of commenter: a pedant–one who can’t come up with a better argument than, “YOU USED THE WRONG VERSION OF YOUR AND YOU DIDN’T SPELL OUT “YOU”!  YOU MUST BE A COMPLETE MORON. HOW COULD ANYTHING YOU SAY HAVE VALUE WHEN YOU MADE A MISTAKE THAT? TRY AGAIN WHEN YOU CAN SPELL, JERKFACE. IS THAT AN EMOTICON? HA HA HA YOU’RE SO DUMB. I WON A SPELLING BEE ONCE.”

*I’m not shy about correcting someone’s spelling/grammar in their writing (and you shouldn’t be either), but if you use someone’s spelling as a reason to invalidate their opinions, you might be small-minded. If these bad spellers are as idiotic as you claim, you’ll have no problem proving so in a fair debate about ideas.

The Person Whose Seemingly Inapplicable Personal Anecdote Left You Confused:  This person had a lot to say about what you wrote, and you’re truly grateful they took the time to write such a detailed response—however, you have no idea what they’re talking about. Salvage what you can from the mess and move on.

Screen Shot 2014-01-14 at 5.09.02 AMThe Person Who Left Their Bridge Unattended: This person would rather hate on what you wrote than collect some cash from bridge crossers. Rather than communicate their views logically and fairly, they like to engage in circular ad hominem attacks that have no intellectual merits whatsoever. Other trolls write one mean line and are never heard from again, even when challenged. Don’t be too hard on these creatures; they’re probably hopelessly jealous of your hair.

_____________________________

This list could go and on… so who did I miss? The Person Who Got Mad at You for Swearing? The Person Who’s the Unofficial Spokesperson for an Entire Demographic/Movement?

72 thoughts on “A Dossier of Blog Commenters

  1. Lol, this is a very perceptive list of groupings. I find that I fall into several categories. As you are well aware, my jackassery knows no bounds, and carries over into comments on other blogs, because the commenting is my favorite part of blogging when it’s not a chore and becomes my least favorite part of blogging…anyway, I was going to say that I get a lot of bloggers who tell me that some other blogger, who doesn’t know me or get my tone, left a comment sticking up for the post writer and basically calling me a douchecanoe or whatever the kids are calling jerkoffs nowadays. They mean well, most of the time, in that they’re sticking up for the blogger, but they don’t post their comment in reply to mine to give me a chance to defend myself, as if I needed to. Does that even make any fucking sense? Have a great Tuesday!

  2. Oh you missed the person who tries to “save” you after every post and no matter how much you try to piss them off by calling them out publicly they just continue to try and bring you over to their side post after post after post and your just like, why the hell are you reading my blog anyways?! Ok, I’m getting a little worked up…

  3. The person who writes a comment that is just as long as the post itself and incorporates one or more of the annoying items above, along with a huge ad to VISIT THEIR SITE.

      1. Especially when they don’t have any posts up or an about page yet. Like, what exactly am I supposed to do now that I’m here? Blindly follow when I don’t even know if I like your stuff?

  4. The blogger who seems to pop in out of nowhere just to say hi! Hi! More detailed description: The blogger who feels the need to comment on every post, no matter what, without having anything to add to the conversation.

  5. Chicago manual of style? I’m more of a Harvard girl.

    Meaning: the poster who only touches on one single, perhaps unimportant, aspect of your post. Like me just now 😉

    1. HA! I have to admit, sometimes I’m guilty of doing that, because I want to say something but I’m too tired/lazy to come up with something good.

  6. Lol.
    Now I have to go read some of your past blog posts and comments for entertainment! But I can relate!
    When I first started my blog I vented about clients at my place of employment (a spa type place) and this woman took it so personally you’d have thought I’d pulled her under the bus by name!

  7. This is great, and the comments following this post are just as good as the post. Such a diverse list of commenters! Hopefully I’m in one of the good categories. But sometimes I feel like I’m the commenter who forgot what they were saying half way through the comment because they were reading blog posts at work and had to minimize the window three times while their coworkers walked past, so they hastily finished their comment and hoped it made sense.

    1. Of course you’re in one of the good commenters! I’m definitely that person, too. I think writing comments can sometimes be harder than just writing a full post.

  8. The people who never comment, but you can see them always around, hovering, waiting. And it makes you wonder? Do they have nothing to say? Are they waiting for the right opportunity to pounce? Is it a real person or a robot? Am I losing my mind? Or… maybe that’s all just me…

      1. The joke was, it was me too. I do that to Katie all the time. By the time I get around to commenting on her posts there are so many built up I don’t feel like I have much to add, so I just click the like button and move on.

      2. I’m nodding my head yes to all you said. It’s usually how I feel too. I suppose we should still say what we want to say, right? I mean I would want my readers to do that.

      3. I see you guys looming around! I have no expectation that everyone who reads comments all the time. I’m just glad to see people out there stopping by!

    1. I know the people you’re talking about, and I’m among them, too! Sometimes I feel like I get to the part pretty late, and by then it feels weird commenting when so much of what I wanted to say has already been said.

  9. You forgot about the jackass who leaves a smart ass comment on every blog because he thinks he’s funny. Not that I know anything about that…

  10. Are you really a profiler by trade? Because this is some straight up Criminal Minds level shit here. I will also use this as a rubric for all my comments here henceforth. (Oh crap, that’s kind of a pretentious word. I didn’t go to Harvard. I swear.)

  11. I see myself in at least a few categories, and I think others could put me in a few other categories too (I like the one suggested by Twindaddy). But Katie, you forgot the single largest category of blog commenters – the spammers! So what if most get sent to spam – it doesn’t mean they’re not always there.

  12. I wanted to make a super meta comment here, but I’m finding myself unable to do so. It’s just as well, I only read it like a sentence or two in, so I’d probably be missing the point anyway.

  13. I fall into far too many of those categories. Clearly this post + your love letter to coleslaw is about me. I’d love to correct you on this, but I’m too busy thinking about cats.

    There ya go, several blog comment styles all in one 🙂

  14. as a poet I been to known my self write a poem that to me is just a mix of sentences almost meaning less and the feed back I have had on how people have read and perceive the poem is thought provoking may I hastily add have not done in the last six months

  15. I’m a recent follower, but you don’t have to visit my blog, really you don’t. I love your style of humor. Keep up the good work. I’ll try to comment more often. Maybe I’ll get a style of my own! 😉

  16. Now I feel like a complete blogger newbie since I haven’t had a lot of these bloggers visiting me. Not even a troll, that I can think of. :(. You’ve made me feel so inferior this morning, Katie.
    (What kind of commenter does that make me today? Is it The Person Who Thought You Were Writing Specifically About Them?)

  17. I’ve encountered pretty much all of those on my blog(s) too. Including the weirdo stalker who I ended up closing one blog down to not further encourage him because he was over-identifying with my posts AND telling me my writing used to be better when I was less emotionally healthy. (Thanks dude)

    Hopefully I haven’t committed too many of those faux pas, but I’m sure I’m guilty from time to time. I did just post on my blog about a grammar pet peeve, but I tend to not correct those of others unless I’m actually doing an editing job. Blogs are casual for the most part, including mine.

    Loved this post!

  18. As a huge non contributor to your blog via the comments and one who has no grasp on what the heavens you are talking about because I only read the title, I only assume that you are RITOING INFLAMMATORY STADEMENTS ABT ME. dID YOU LIKE MY ANCEDOTE?

  19. Gross. Who gets made at you for swearing? I don’t want to hang out with those people. Also, let me tell you this story you reminded me of, about the time I adopted my first goldfish…

  20. Congratulations on running your blog for almost a year. With luck you’ll start getting a few comments soon. You show promise for someone who, obviously, didn’t attend my school, the University of Under the Lamppost on the SE Corner of Foster and Harlem. Remember that’s the SE Corner, not those “dim bulbs” (that’s an alum joke; don’t worry about not understanding it) over on the NW corner. They’re really a bunch of dumb fucks. Sorry, I hope my swearing didn’t offend you.

  21. The person who leaves a comment that they followed mine and would I please follow them too…I clicked to see what they were about and it was all in another language…erm…NO.

  22. I like to think I am the one who always thinks it is about me as well as the one who is completely OBSESSED with you. Because I am obsessed and it is always about me. Coleslaw

  23. Love this! I thought I was the only one who got those unexplainable comments. I wrote about farts, and someone is telling me about their cat’s testicular cancer. I just assumed it was because most of my audience are drunks. Glad to see I’m not alone.

    1. HAHA!! Not at all. It happens to me all the time. Sometimes they worry me. I always wonder, too, if other people commenting feel the same way if/when they read it.

  24. The person you’d call Norm if your blog was Cheers. I know this won’t mean very much to you but I feel that you’ve made the epic Cheers marathons that the boy has subjected me to just a little worthwhile – and for that I thank you. I do like the idea of my favourite readers being Norms.

  25. The Person Who Thought You Were Writing Specifically About Them: Unbeknownst to you, this commenter believes he or she is the center of your universe. They’ll let their opinions be known in a defensive comment they wrote during the ten minute bathroom break of a “How to Take Everything Very Personally” seminar.
    Sadly, I just realized that I sound like that sometimes.

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