Shopping on Black Friday can be intimidating what with the long lines that zigzag around the entire store and news reports about people being trampled for Beats by Dr. Dre headphones. With all these confusing sales and too many online promo codes to remember, it can be difficult for the average consumer to figure out where to begin. Where do you need to go? What doorbusters are essential for your survival? To help make sense of the free-for-all that is Black Friday shopping, I’ve put together a list of items you that will make waking up disgustingly early, waiting in line for two and a half hours, and taking off your earrings to fight someone in the store totally worth it.

1. A bad movie you saw in the theater two years ago that you’d never buy under any other circumstance

It’s only $6!!!! So what if the plot was implausible and the acting was some of the worst you’ve ever seen–it’s normally $29.99! You have to add this to your Blu-ray collection so it can collect dust while you watch the same movie–you know, the one you paid money to have in your home on a shelf–on TV when nothing else is on.

2. A tablet by an obscure brand

STOP EVERYTHING. The 10-inch YoloFolio is on sale for $49.99! You’ve had your eye on the iPad for several months now, but surely this YoloFolio that’s a fraction of the cost will have all the same features! How could you go possibly go wrong buying an electronic device from a totally random brand?

3. A Seemingly Bigger and Better TV to replace your existing TV that completely satisfied your every TV watching need until you saw Seemingly Bigger and Better TV was on sale

For all these years you’ve defended your 42-inch TV insisting that size doesn’t matter to you. But for $899 (regular price $1399), maybe 50 inches would make you happier…

4. Speakers

Until you saw it advertised for $157.99, you never knew how empty your life was without an audio bar. You’re still not entirely sure what it is or if you’re capable of hooking it up yourself, but this sale has made you realize you need more sound in your life, and buying a ton of speakers is the first step.

5. Memory cards

Can you believe a SanDisk 16GB memory card is only $4.99! Only on Black Friday can it be so affordable to find storage that holds 2500 pictures more than your current memory card (which only holds 1000 pictures).

6. A laptop with a hard drive that definitely isn’t big enough for anyone’s needs

For $349.99, give the gift that says, “I couldn’t afford to get you a laptop with a decent processor, so I waited in a tent outside Best Buy to get one of ten tickets that guarantee me an Acer laptop that runs on Windows 98.”

7. Some weird digital camera that’s actually worse than the camera on every cell phone

The ad claims this $99 digital camera has -3 megapixels and auto-blur functionality! Other features include capturing low-light scenes with no success, giving every living creature red eye, and capturing landscapes with minimal crispness. It may not photograph anything as well as the camera on a smartphone, but it makes a great stocking stuffer!

4 thoughts on “7 Items You Should Definitely Buy on Black Friday

  1. I fell victim to number four a holiday season or two ago. A “such a deal” sound bar. Touting a conspiracy may at first blush reek of flapdoodle, but I do think the fix is in. A collective of some sort have made certain that when streaming on-line rented picture shows via a Mac the volume is insufficient for two sitting further than a keyboard away. So a sound bar seemed a sound solution. And it was under fifty bucks on impulse. Which meant no blue tooth, so had to hand hold to hardwire by way of a micro-in which messed up the desk, disabled any earphone listening and one had to hit three function toggles in a search to configure. So instant video became a twenty minute first world problem. Like your post infers/implies(?), the real deal is to think it through.

Don't you sass me! ...Actually, please do.

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