The Best Halloween Candy to Give to Your Worst Enemy

As a chubby young girl with a sweet tooth, Halloween easily secured its spot as my favorite holiday. Despite my undying devotion to chocolate and candy, I’ve always been very particular, and in my youth, a significant amount of time was spent sorting the candy I earned trick-or-treating into two piles: “SAVOR RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!” and “give to someone I don’t like who will jump at the chance to devour my unwanted scraps of disgusting candy.”

Now that I’m the candy donor instead of the candy receiver, I appreciate the importance of filling my Halloween candy bowl with the good stuff. The following candies are those that I would give out to only the most unenthusiastic of trick-or-treaters (or someone from Indiana):

Seven cavities in every pack!
Source

Milk Duds: If you don’t value your teeth (I’m looking at you Gingivitis Notooth), you probably love Milk Duds. Biting into a Milk Dud is a gamble, because you’re never entirely sure if you’re going to successfully bite through the piece of candy, or if it’s going to rip your tooth clean out from the root. Who can truly savor a candy that puts him or her at risk for requiring dentures? Dud, indeed.

Whoppers: The word “whopper” doesn’t exactly have positive connotations, just think of Burger King or a word to describe a humongous lie. Malted milk in a glass at an old-timey ice cream parlor can be tasty (which is mind-boggling in and of itself because malted milk is technically a gruel), but when you put it in ball form and coat it in chocolate, something goes horribly awry. The best way to describe the flavor of these is this: chocolatey mediocrity. They also look like Smurf droppings.

PayDay: Leave it to Hershey’s to take your hard-earned cash and turn it into something peanut-covered and disgusting. As a society, are we so enamored of caramel that we can put anything around it, wrap it up, and people will devour it? Putting peanuts and caramel together is like mixing going to the circus with visiting your beloved grandma and plucking one of those little caramel cubes out of her pocket—it’s completely unnatural.

Twizzlers: Rumor has it the man responsible for creating fun size Twizzlers is currently seeking asylum with Edward Snowden. Has anyone ever truly wanted licorice? Just look at that word for a second—it spells lick o’ rice, and if you take out the “icor,” you’re left with lice. As if you needed anymore proof, Twizzlers is approved by PETA as a vegan-appropriate confection. Horrible!

York Peppermint Pattie: The original name for the New York Peppermint Patty, but the state of New York threatened to a lawsuit, because The Big Apple would rather be affiliated with muggings and nonexistent personal space on public transportation than this vile peppermint “treat.” Dark chocolate makes this world a better place, but that doesn’t make up for York Peppermint Patties’ likeness to a urinal cake.

Butterfingers: This might be controversial because Butterfingers are a mainstream candy, but they look and taste like chocolate covered peanut butter turds. Candy should not be flaky and porous. The only finger anyone should have to lay on Butterfingers is the middle one. Sorry Bart Simpson, but much like your choice of “Ay Caramba!” as a catch phrase or your use of a skateboard as your main method of transportation, we’re not in agreement on this one.

Almond Joy: Almonds aren’t detestable, but I think I speak for most people when I say I certainly would never stick them next to the word “joy.” Almonds are a semi-controversial nut. All nuts are controversial, because people either love ‘em or hate ‘em, but almonds aren’t as divisive as say, Brazil nuts or walnuts; by the same token, almonds will never be as beloved as peanuts. Where Almond Joy goes horribly wrong is with the introduction of the most tropically controversial nut of all: the coconut. Almonds and coconuts in a candy bar? That sounds like the kind of idea that should have died the moment it was conceived.

Mounds.
Source

Mounds: You know you couldn’t come up with a catchy name for your candy (like Kit Kat, for instance) when you settle on “mounds.” Mounds is the ugly cousin of Almond Joy—all coconuts and dark chocolate, but no almond. It’s hard to decide if almond improves or worsens this coconut hot mess, but let’s just suffice it to say these are both gross and coconuts have no place in your Halloween candy bowl.

Sixlets: You know how Mark Zuckerburg had a falling out with the Winklevoss twins over the creation of Facebook? I think the same thing must have happened with M&Ms, and Sixlets is the lesser brainchild of the Winklevoss twins equivalent in this bitter candy rivalry. The problem with Sixlets is how round and small they are, and they have a hint of maltiness, which as we’ve learned, should not be made into candy.

Note: This is not a full list–here’s looking at you Good & Plenty, Bit-o-Honey, Now & Later, and Mary Jane (those orange and black wrapped candies, not marijuana or buckled shoes).

What Halloween candy would you coat in ricin and give to your worst enemy? Don’t you dare say 100 Grand.